Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
