You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
