I am in a vortex of obligation.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
