Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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