Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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