After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
