I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
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Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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