The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
