Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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