So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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