He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
