I am spending my child support on dildos
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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