I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
