My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
