Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just want to make out with him forever
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize