We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
