Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my shit smells like andre
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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