After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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