my phone needs a breathalizer
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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