How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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