When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize