i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
