And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize