Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just forgot I was standing up.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
