Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
