Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
