Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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