Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
