so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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