I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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