I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
