One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
