The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
