My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So squirting runs in the family.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
