I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
