I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
