I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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