I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
send nudes
from the living room?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
