i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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