I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
