I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
