She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
