In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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