Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
