Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
