My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
