stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
