my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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