I think i sorta joined a cult last night
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
