can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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