The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
