Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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