If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
