I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
