Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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