When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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