i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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