I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
